SURRENDER. My doctor pulled down the little blue curtain and smiled. 'Your in laws are here with your oldest son.' Oh good! I said, imagining the family reunion we were about to have. 'Wellllll......' she said.
Not the response I was looking for as I lay listening to W cry in the hallway clearly hungry and upset about the warm home we just pulled him from.
She explained that my oldest had cut his head and my husband hadn't come back into the operating room because he had been called down to the ER to be with him.
I will give you a second to let that sink in. I'm on the operating table. W just born screaming in the hallway. My husband shedding his scrubs in the elevator to be greeted by a teary eyed 3 year old they wanted him to hold down. It was a lot. For all of us. Even my doctor later told me the Nurses refused to tell me and gave her the daunting task. I remember my reaction was 'Of course he is.' when she told me why he was downstairs.
SURRENDER. Somewhere along the line SURRENDER got confused with giving up.
It isn't. In fact, it is the opposite. It is full blown trust in a situation that is out of your control. It is the knowledge that D was being taken care of and surrounded by his grandparents and dad who would stop at nothing to make sure he would be comforted and feel loved. It was the SURRENDER to a newborn being swaddled and rocked by capable nurses. It was a SURRENDER to the notion that I had this surgery before and came out fine on the other side and I will do so again.
SURRENDER isn't giving up or rolling over. It is relaxing your arms that are trying to hold everything together. It is allowing yourself to cry because that in and of itself is a release. SURRENDER is a deep breath and a moment to watch everything happen without trying to change it.
It is okay to SURRENDER. You haven't quit, you have set down the things you don't need to tend to right now. They will be there when you have the strength to pick them back up again